A pastor told me that it is satanic for a woman to opt for divorce when she’s maltreated in her marriage. That a virtuous woman, even when abused by her husband, still endures, submits, and doesn’t leave the marriage, that it’s the work of a woman to keep her home.
I am sorry to say, but this is a man whose level in church hierarchy as a pastor is quite prestigious.
To say I was disappointed would be an understatement, but then we have a culture, I see a pattern in Nigeria; especially the religious Nigerian setting.
That the virtuousness of a woman is a function of how much trash she can take from her man without complaining..
That her wife competence is a result of how well she can suffer in secret and smile in public..
This is disturbing if this is what being virtuous mean.
Because this reduces women to elements; expected not to have feelings, expected not to have relevant dissatisfaction.
And, this pattern, empowers religious men to do whatever they want, believing that their women will respond in a default cool and calm way, even if they stabbed them.
So most religious men feel less responsible for their marriage condition… Because they believe their wives response to their all messy acts will be meek.
This is so unrealistic to expect from a woman; a human.
If you stab a man, will you not expect him to shout?
Why then should we expect a woman not to speak up when she is being ill-treated or does women have less neurological sensibilities that do not recognise pain?
We would come to the end of this gender issues when we realise that women are first humans, before gender.
Hence, more or less should not be expected from a woman than a man, she is as much human as a man could be.
This is why I frown at what we call VIRTUOUS WOMAN.
As complementing as this might sound to an average woman, I find it vague and subtle, and could be a pointer to a pattern; a pattern that expects you to obligatorily take shit and keep shut because you’re woman.
This is why when men say they want submissive wives, I blink, not because submissiveness is not cool, but because men have conditioned submissiveness to be when they are stupid, irresponsible, and uncommitted, and you as a woman is calm, loving, and still understanding and this defies common sense.
So if I were a woman, I’d not be a virtuous woman. This kind of virtuous. I’d not be this Nigerian religious kinda good woman. No.
When a man says he wants a virtuous woman, dig deep. It sounds sweet but could be a trap. A trap of his irresponsibility.
Now, about what the pastor said..
“No matter how a man treats his wife, she should still love, understand, and smile with him..”
This is unfair and totally insensitive.
We as men, must understand that sometimes a woman is neither good or bad, neither ill mannered or virtuous, but our attitude towards them can make them exercise love or resentment.
So, yes, we can be responsible of how a woman responds by how we act.
You cannot slap me, hit me, brush me, and expect me to be all smiling. Even angels draw swords. That diplomacy is unrealistic.
So if you’re gonna treat your wife badly, please be cool when she treats you badly.
This is simple mathematics. Simple reasoning.
Do unto her what you’d love her to do to you.
If being served abuse, shit, crap, and rubbish in marriage, and taking it without contemplation is what makes a woman virtuous, then I wouldn’t even advise my daughter to be a virtuous woman.
Please, when you’ve taken enough nonsense, shout for help. Scream. Leave. You cannot contain a bad man’s every ill attitude and not get mad. You’re not the cause, nobody could have been all sanctimonious and holy, you are human.